Double-Standards of Ableism

Another thing that struck me about proposed straw bans is that even if there are good alternatives to plastic straws for every disability or combination of disabilities (there aren’t), and even if it’s no financial burden to carry your own plastic or reusable straw everywhere (it’s not), it still carries an expectation that disabled people not only have better memories and planning skills than abled people, but also predict the freaking future.

For most people, disability isn’t static.  Even if a condition is lifelong, a disability might get progressively worse throughout a person’s life.  Or it might improve due to better meds or an assistive device that they didn’t have access to before.  There’s also good days and bad days with a lot of conditions.  A person who can easily lift a cup to their mouth Monday might find it painful on Tuesday and downright impossible on Wednesday, for any number of reasons.

Even if disabled people are expected to plan perfectly for their worst days (which we don’t expect of abled people), there’s always going to be a first time that someone can’t do something (in this case, drink without a straw).  Depending on their exact medical diagnosis and their abilities up to that point, this might not be predictable for them.

And those people are going to be among the ones screwed over by all the gatekeeping suggestions to make sure “only those who really need it” can get a straw. I mean, I can just picture that conversation.

“Excuse me, I’m having trouble lifting this glass.  Can I get a straw?”

“Sorry, ma’am, we can’t give out straws without a note from your doctor stating that you need one.”

“Oh, okay, let me just hop in my Delorean, go back in time to my last doctor’s appointment, and get a note for something that hadn’t happened yet.”

This is just one of the many reasons that gatekeeping is bullshit, and accommodations should be freely available whenever it’s feasible.  Restaurants, you know people exist who need straws to drink the beverages that you would like to sell them.  Make sure you have some available.  Doctor’s offices, you know that fat people exist.  Proactively invest in chairs and tables and blood pressure cuffs that work for them.  Employers, if your office building has an elevator that’s locked, consider whether that’s necessary.  Unless there’s a security concern and that key is part of your access control, how about just letting people decide for themselves whether they can take the stairs that day.

We should not be in a situation where we care so much about not even actually fixing the issue of plastic in the oceans, but about performatively “doing something” and “starting a conversation” that we’re throwing out “solutions” willy-nilly without including accessibility in them from the start, and then getting  pissy when people point out that it doesn’t work for them.

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Low-Hanging Straws

I’ve been hearing more and more about cities banning plastic straws or specific restaurants doing away with them and I have….some strong feelings…on this issue.  If you haven’t been following it, NPR has a good summary, and multiple disability activists have written about why it’s an issue.

People who don’t need straws themselves are quick to opine on how cheap and easy it is to just carry a reusable one, or suggest that restaurants should offer only biodegradable options.  But, every one of those options has their drawbacks, as illustrated in this handy chart.

The thing that I find the most frustrating is probably the judgmental nature of the criticism directed at anyone who complains about the straw ban. They must just be “lazy” or “not trying hard enough.” And yet, every single person in the industrialized world does things that are detrimental to the planet, for no other reason than their own convenience.  If you use AC outside of massive heat waves, ever drive anywhere you could physically walk or bike, don’t use reusable bags for 100% of your purchases, or have ever ordered something online that you could have picked up locally, you don’t have room to criticize people who need single use straws. Or who just want to use them. Disabled people, like all people, deserve to enjoy things. If bringing a reusable straw is a hassle that you forget to do, or biodegradable straws make your drink taste weird, you still deserve to enjoy a freaking Frappucino.  Even if you’re not going to aspirate fluid and die of pneumonia if you try to drink without a straw, but maybe it’s a bad pain day and lifting a glass hurts. It’s nobody else’s place to tell you that you must suffer for the environment, particularly if they’re not suffering themselves.

I also think people are ignoring all the times that having something to eat or drink *is* a medical issue. Sure, the majority of fast food and beverage purchases aren’t made by people who are about to keel over from dehydration or low blood sugar, but some are.  I have vivid memories of being out with a friend who has hypoglycemia, who literally fell over because his blood sugar tanked, and being profoundly grateful that we could find a soda machine and he could get some sugar into his system.  I’ve fortunately never had heat stroke, but I’ve been sick enough to vomit or almost pass out from heat on multiple occasions, and if I’d needed a straw for fluids and not had access to one, I could have easily ended up in the hospital.

If restaurants want to reduce plastic use, there are lots of ways to do it. If they want to start with straws, they can even do that without screwing over disabled people.  Ask people if they want a straw, rather than offering it automatically.  Make sure you’re providing a place to recycle. Offer a biodegradable option or sell reusable straws if you want, but don’t ask everybody to use these.

I’m iffy about suggesting this for big chains, because ableism is prevalent and getting everyone trained to the standard you want can be problematic. Leaving it to cashiers and baristas to make sure people who need straws get them might mean that people have to explain what their disabilities are, or get snotty comments about the environment from an overzealous employee. Or, they might be non-verbal, and the touchscreen menu doesn’t have a way for them to indicate that they need a straw with their drink.  In all cases, I think it should be on the restaurant to offer, rather than the customer to ask.

Obligatory Sappy Romantic Post

Today, I take a brief pause from ranting about the state of the world to celebrate the fact that I’ve been married to the best guy ever for twelve years.  We’ve been through infertility and pregnancy loss, and all manner of chronic health issues.  He supported me through a career change and a master’s degree.  We bought a house, did a bunch of work on it, planted a garden, accumulated too much stuff, did more work, got rid of stuff and accumulated different stuff.  We’ve fostered dogs, and a cat, and hope to foster children.  We’ve been to London, and Alaska, and Pennsic.

I’m looking forward to the next dozen years, and the next, and the next.

Actually, it is personal.

I miss high school debate.  Getting assigned a topic, researching the hell out of it, putting together a convincing speech.  We talked about serious issues, but to me, it was always fun. Looking back on it, I now see that as privilege.  It was never anything that affected me personally, so I could look at it from a safe distance.  I remember debating against affirmative action, and now I marvel at the absurdity of having a bunch of white kids, many of whom went to all-white schools, debate affirmative action as though it was something we actually understood anything about.

I find myself losing my cool more often in Facebook and Twitter debates, and I’m realizing that things that are deeply and intensely personal to me are just thought exercises for other people.

I haven’t been able to convey the extent to which the 2016 election broke something inside me.  I’ve been grieving for a year and a half, and everything feels irredeemable. And yet, I see so many people acting as though everything’s fine.

My friendships with conservative-leaning people have been more than a little strained.  I’m okay losing the person who tells me that “well, *actually,* Donald Trump is an ally to the LGBT community” and then, predictably, doesn’t say, “wait, shit, I was wrong,” when he bans trans people from the military.  But for the people who haven’t actively been hateful to me, there’s this chasm between us that I don’t think can be bridged.

I want to scream, “You voted for someone who literally does not think I’m a person” in their faces, but they’d just argue about how *clearly* Trump doesn’t hate women because look how proud he is of his daughter.  Or that I’m unfairly accusing them of misogyny.

Because the sexism isn’t personal to them.  For the guys, they can just ignore it.  It wasn’t said about them, or women they like, so it doesn’t affect them.  For the women, I honestly don’t know.  I don’t get how you can vote for someone who very clearly doesn’t see you as a person, unless you’ve been so beaten down by abusive theology or just plain abuse that you don’t see yourself as a person either.

But to me, it’s personal.  I remember being out at a concert, right after the election and wondering if I was safe.  The rash of hate crimes and sexual assaults was going on, and I sure as hell didn’t feel safe.

When someone has hurt you deeply, and they can’t even conceptualize the idea that you could or should be hurt by what they did, what the hell do you do with that?  The civility police would tell me that I’m supposed to let it go, and be extra nice to them in order to convince them that maybe voting for a brazenly racist authoritarian is a bad thing to do, but there’s no way to communicate the extent of the badness when civility means pretending that everything is fine, and *of course* their guy can’t be a misogynist, because that means I think they’re misogynist, and they totally voted for a woman that one time.  (I literally had someone say to me that they don’t know whether they’ve ever voted for a woman or not, because gender is so completely irrelevant and they focus on *policy.*  Ri-ight.  I’m sure you couldn’t tell me the gender of your current senator or representatives, but you could totally explain their policies in depth.)

I’m tired of the idea that I should be nice to people who don’t view me as fully human.  But the thing that makes it hard is they’re convinced that they do, because they’ve turned politics into this abstraction that doesn’t matter in real life.

Calling for a Truce in the Workplace Diet Wars

A couple weeks ago, Ask a Manager had a post “My Coworker Keeps Pushing Junk Food on Me,” that generated a lot of heated discussion.  The LW, on a weight loss diet, would really like the coworker to stop bringing in so many sweets and snacks, and to quit offering them to her.  There was, of course, the strong implication that the coworker was “bad” and “wrong” for offering sinful, sinful treats, and Alison did call the LW out for mentioning the coworker’s weight. No name was given, so I’m gonna call the coworker Sally just to keep things straight.

The thing that struck me the most is that respect for coworkers’ food choices has to go both ways.  A lot of people were really quick to assume that the coworker was going to get really pushy, when the LW had never actually said, “Actually I don’t eat X, please stop offering.”

Yes, there is a weird thing that people feel like they need “co-conspirators” to eat “bad” food, so people do try to get other people to eat treats with them to assuage their guilt.  But, the comments pretty clearly illustrated why that’s the case.  People attributed all sorts of negative motivations to Sally, made snarky comments about her weight and assumptions about her health.  It was kind of a microcosm of the judgment toward fat people eating anything other than a salad anywhere ever.

I feel like the way you shut down that dynamic, if that is what’s going on, is not to assert that your food is better or more moral and virtuous, but to just shut down any kind of moralizing about food. Don’t criticize Sally for what she eats, don’t complain that someone’s bringing in food to share, just politely ask her to quit offering food, you know where it is if you decide you want some.  But also don’t rhapsodize about how good you’re being by only eating a salad for lunch and how everybody should eat the way you’re eating.  Basically, if Sally is looking for a partner in crime, and you’re treating her like a food criminal, you’re feeding into that.

I really think the LW was approaching the situation as though her diet was clearly superior and Sally, with her Cheetos and cupcakes, was clearly in the wrong.  But if you’re going to judge someone else’s diet as sinful and gluttonous, you really have no room to complain if they judge yours as boring, insufficient, and no fun.

I feel like it would be better to approach all food as morally neutral and highly individual.  You’re trying to avoid sweets, fine.  Not everybody is.  Not everybody needs to.  But it might be better to treat it as if Sally brought in something that you happen to be allergic to, rather than that she’s the villain trying to sabotage your diet.

I mean, I sympathize with being offered tasty, tasty food that you really want but that’s not really your friend.  My coworkers have a cheese club, where we take turns bringing in random fancy cheese for everyone to try.  And at least half the time it’s some jalapeño, or habañero, or Old Bay concoction that would trigger my IBS.  And it sucks.   But my coworkers aren’t trying to make me sick.  They’re just bringing in stuff that they like, and sometimes it works for me and sometimes it doesn’t.  I also kind of suspect that the LW isn’t getting enough fat or enough calories to be satisfied (because you usually don’t on a weight loss diet).  So, of course she wants the freaking cupcakes, because she’s *hungry.*

Additionally, the distraction of being offered food is a whole separate thing.  It’s fine and reasonable not to want your coworker to swing by your desk two and three times a day and break your concentration.  But I wonder if the LW would be less annoyed at the interruption if Sally were offering hard-boiled eggs or protein bars, or whatever’s on her specific diet.  Because the distraction would be the same either way.

To me, there are a few rules about food at work that should be sacrosanct:

  • Don’t criticize or praise other people’s eating habits, and don’t try to pressure anyone about food.
  • Don’t deprive other people of food.  This includes both snagging more than your fair share of donuts and stealing other people’s lunches.
  • Clean up your own freaking messes.

That’s it.  I’d add “Shut up about your stupid diet already,” but some people enjoy those conversations, so I guess they can have at it.  And honestly, once you’re at a happy place with your own eating, those conversations are much easier to tune out.

Basically, if you want your food choices to be respected, foster an environment of respect and permission, to the extent that you can.  It’s “do unto others,” the food edition.